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Revenge is sweet. Can't buy into the logic that happiness is the best revenge of all? Still tempted to get your own back but wouldn't dream of sewing prawns into the lining of his suits and leaving him to wonder where on earth that awful smell is coming from whilst facing social rejection? Here are some tips on how to do it safely, with your dignity still in tact and without ending up in jail:

   Hide his most treasured possession. Enjoy the satisfaction of seeing your target hunt high and low without success. Let him sweat for as long as you like and then innocently hand it over. They'll never be sure whether you hid it deliberately or not.

   Spread the gossip. Not malicious rumours about your ex, but gossip about your fantastic new lover and how happy you are (whether or not the lover actually exists). Rest assured, this news will get back to your ex with the speed of an e-mail...

   So-so sex: make it quite clear to anyone who wants to ask you about the sexual side of your relationship that your ex was certainly no great shakes in bed. Like the above, this news will spread like wildfire.

   Sadly, every break-up means the loss of some friends, as those who knew you as a couple will inevitably feel pressured to stay friendly with one of you or the other. Grab the address book first and schmooze everyone, so they want to stay in touch with you, not him.

   Psyche him out. When you bump into your ex, as you inevitably will, keep cool, calm - and be sympathetic. Mention you've heard something about his 'unhappiness'. This will drive him mad: he'll be desperate to ask you what exactly you've heard, but won't dare because then he's at your mercy.

How to Get Revenge on Your Ex (the nice way!)

He dumped you. You hate him. He deserves to suffer. Remember, all's fair in love and war. Enjoy this handy how-to guide for the girl who wants him to pay, and pay big, for the pain he's caused you!

Tips for Revenge-Seeking Females:

1) Revenge can be sweet, but it's important to keep your head over such emotional matters, and to calculate the risks involved. While you might think that T-P-ing his car or egging his house is perfectly justifiable, such maneuvers can backfireor escalate. How would you feel if he decides to retaliate? Calling him and hanging up 300 times a day might seem like an easy way to drive him crazy, but you might not like it if he started doing the same to you. Revenge-rule number 1: Think before you act.

2) Figure out what you really want out of your revenge. Psychologists say that when a girl lashes out at an ex, she is really trying to get the guy to acknowledge and validate her feelings, and to offer her comfort. Of course, a guy who just broke your heart is the least likely person who can make you feel better. Try going to friends and family for emotional support. Also, realize that all your scheming keeps you emotionally tied to Joe Loserand isn't the point to get him off your mind and out of your life? Connecting with him, even in a negative way, might sabotage your own attempts to get over him!

3) Keep your motives clear. Are you lashing out to get back at himor to somehow get him back? If you think that you'll lure him back by writing him nasty letters, or by spreading vicious rumors about him, you can be sure that he's not going to fall for you after you've tried to ruin his life. Plus, realize that your tortured attempts to make him suffer are likely to make your life as miserableif not more sothan his. Not to mention that all that planning and scheming can be downright exhausting!

4) Don't date his friends to get back at him. This is a totally uncool tactic, because you could not only wind up hurting an innocent bystander, but you could get yourself into an even deeper mess. You might fantasize about how great it would be to make your ex jealous by seeing you all over his best friendbut in reality, such plans rarely work out. And, losers often befriend losers, and you wouldn't want to risk getting your heart broken twice!

5) Protect your reputationdo you want to be thought of as Ms. Fatal Attraction? Hmm, that would sure do wonders for your social life! A bitter, vengeful girl is hardly at the top of anyone's party list. If you want to really get revenge, be sweet and nice, keep your dignity at all costs, and let him show himself for the jerk that he isthen watch your social life soar!

6) Maybe the best advice for revenge-seeking females is to keep your revenge fantasies in your headit might not seem as satisfying, but you can at least make sure that the ending comes out the way you want ithim grovelling like a dog at your feet, begging you to take him back, while you kick sand in his face and stroll off into the sunset with Josh Hartnett. And at least you'll maintain your self-respect. So, rather than wasting your time plotting against the jerk, put your energy into the important parts of lifeyour friends, shopping, schooland possibly your next romance! Try a new haircut or start an exercise routine to make you feel good about yourself. Because, as everyone knows, nothing can make a guy suffer more than to see how great you're doing without him!

And if you wanna be REALLY horrible, scoot down to the end of the page!   ; )


Put dog shit under the door handle of your ex's car door.

Go to the library and get those little postage-paid subscription cards out of  all the magazines. Fill out your ex's name and address and return them. Make sure to check the box "Bill Me".

Put Nair or some other hair removal chemical in your ex's shampoo, conditioner, or hair gel.

Purchase several hundred crickets from the local pet store and release them in your ex's home. Even the noise of just one remaining cricket could result in quite a few sleepless nights.

Place Icy-Hot or Atomic Balm on  your ex's toilet paper or in  your ex's underwear.

Advertise your ex's house for sale in the local paper. Make it sound glamorous and list it very cheap, give the address, and post an open house on a day that you know your ex will be home! Example: 3 bedroom home, 2 bath, pool, jacuzzi, nice neighborhood. $39,500. Open house Sunday June 12, 10 a.m.-2 p.m. 2312 Oak Drive

Purchase a "universal TV remote" from a place like Radio Shack. Hang around outside  your ex's home in the evening and keep flipping their channels.

Shave parts of your ex's body while they are passed out drunk. Be creative. Do things such as half a mustache, one eyebrow, reversed mohawk..

Place a dead fish somewhere where your ex won't be able to see it---even when they look (like up under the kitchen sink, between the toilet tank and the wall, or secured up under the front seat of their car). After a couple of days the smell just becomes unbearable.

Call up the utility companies and disconnect your ex's service (you will probably need their social security number for this).

Go to the yellow pages and, starting with the a's and working all the way to the z's, call up every company possible and schedule their service on a particular day and time (that you know your ex will be home). Example, schedule Tuesday at 10 a.m., then watch as your ex's street fills up with dump trucks, repair trucks, etc., all knocking at your ex's door.

Ruin your ex's credit. Have someone of the same sex go to the hospital emergency room complaining of being ill. Have them fill out the hospital forms using your ex's name and social security number. After the bill has been run up have the person claim to feel better and leave the hospital. A few weeks later your ex should get the emergency room bill.

Try to get your ex's  name and address on as many junk mailing lists as possible. Whenever you see a business advertise, "Free Information!" call them and give them your ex's address and phone number. Your ex will receive lots of junk mail and phone calls.

Have someone of the same sex pose as your ex and call your ex's bank to report their checkbook and atm card stolen (you will need your ex's checking account number and social security number). Next time your ex goes to use the ATM or write it check it will refuse them.

Order call forwarding on your ex's phoneline. Have the numbers forwarded to a sexline, or anywhere you want!

Okay! And for the best revenge ever--

Get on with life, become a raging success, make lots of money, be better looking than ever, and never, ever, ever give your ex a second thought! It will drive them crazy!








A Guide To How To Annoy Your Ex

So youre basically recovering from a big split. Your former love decided to walk away from the relationship and has left you stranded, upset and humiliated. You need to seek revenge on him. Whatever you do you want to make him suffer and feel a little of what youve had to go through because of him. Stuck for ideas of how to annoy your ex? Then read our list of tasks you could do to really get up his snout.

Dont go OTT. Remember a few subtle tasks will really annoy him but without anyone else really noticing what you are doing. If you go the whole hog and obsessively annoy him you could end up losing friends and potential future boyfriends. After all you dont want people to think youre a complete nutter. Just play it cool and watch him squirm!

  1. Find a new man who will have an upper edge over him. Make sure your ex knows how happy you are and that your new boyfriend is older than he is, or smarter, or better looking, or sportier, or wealthier etc. etc. You can see where Im going with this. Your ex will instantly feel threatened and realise that he isnt all that big and mighty!

  2. Date their best friend, brother, cousin or even worsetheir rival. Thatll really put him in an awkward situation. And the best thing would be that they couldnt do a thing about it!

  3. If you ever meet up with your ex again, tell him that you now agree that he did the best thing possible. Make sure he knows that you have since progressed and become a much better person since the split. Thatll really annoy him knowing that his action has actually helped you even more than himself!

  4. Tell him you were given two free tickets to a major event. For example tickets to see their favourite football team, or favourite band. Maybe a festival or even their favourite holiday destination. Tell him that you would have asked him to join you but you didnt want him to feel uncomfortable with the situation. He will instantly feel peeved that he missed out on the opportunity. Hell probably regret he ever split from you as well - even if it was just to go to the event. Hell still probably wonder if he made the right decision of breaking away from the relationship.

  5. If he has a part-time job, try and get a job at the same place. Hell feel really uncomfortable that you are treading over his territory. Then, if you are lucky enough to get the job, proceed to have fun!

If you are still at the stage where you feel ready to take revenge on your ex but still cant face even being in the same class at school with him, let alone looking at him or even talking to him then these next few ideas may be best.

You can still annoy him but without having to be in contact with him.

  1. Keep his Cds, Videos and Computer Games until he begs for them back. If you stay clear of him and make sure he knows that you are upset then he probably wont ever have the guts to ask for them back! At least you may get something out of the ordeal - free gifts!

  2. Try to resist the temptation of signing him on to strange mailing lists. Otherwise he'll become absolutely baffled as to why and where he is getting this junk mail from. His parents may also get a bit worried about their loving son when they see all of the weird and wonderful post he is receiving.

  3. Marry a millionaire or a celebrity. Or even better become one yourself. In years to come when he sees your face plastered over the front pages of magazines and at all the film premieres, hell be absolutely gutted that hed have ever thought you werent good enough for the likes of an ordinary person like himself.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it is harmless fun and a little humiliating to your ex. Dont go psycho-mad and end up being examined to see if youve lost your marbles completely!